Avalanche

In honor of my ValleyFair visit today, and my not-so-secret obsession with theme parks, amusement parks, rollercoasters . . .

I have ridden at least a hundred rollercoasters in my life. I have traveled the country, nay, the world, riding rollercoasters. It is one, if not THE dorkiest trait I have. I have ridden the record breaking coasters: the FASTEST, the TALLEST, the one with the most INVERSIONS, the LONGEST DROP, the LONGEST in general . . . 420 footers, 120 mph, 8 loops, two miles long . . .

I could tell you in a heartbeat what my favorite coaster is. It is not a record breaker. You've probably never heard about it. Even if you've visited the city in which it resides you've probably never given it the time of day. It was just on your way to another rollercoaster center.

Wisconsin Dells has Mt. Olympus. Pretty decent coasters there. It used to have pretty decent go-karts, too, but for some reason once Big Chief went all "THEME PARK OF THE GODS" on us they toned down the go-karts to mere put-putters. Man, those fuckers used to fly!

My favorite happens to reside in the same town. Only it's not at Mt. Olympus. So where else could there be a coaster?

At a mini-golf course down the street. Timber Falls. It's a small Adventure Golf park, complete with a log flume and a number of mini-golf courses surrounding a miniature volcano that bursts flames every fifteen minutes or so.

They also have Avalanche, a small underdog of a wooden beast. It looks somewhat intense, judging from the harsh angles with which the track makes its turns. They're virtually at 90 degrees. The track is simple in design: it makes two revolutions around the entire park. But being that it's so small, there's not a lot of room for big hills and filler. So, a not-so-high drop sends a train of three cars around the park two times. Sounds lame, eh?

Wrong. The lift hill goes a little too high for comfort. And the ride happens to be a little too fast for a mere two revolutions around a quaint little mini-golf park. That's why it's so awesome! It's too high and too fast for the schematics of the park. It doesn't fit!! So you feel like you're literally going to die on the fucker!!!

I've never been on a rollercoaster where I've felt somewhat unsafe. They're pretty much loaded with rules and regulations to the point where break runs are cursed all over a circuit to slow the ride down for the ease and comfort of mass amounts of tourists. Avalanche is a secret . . . that's why there ain't no breaks on its entire circuit. Breaks would make it so that the car wouldn't be able to get around its two revolutions. And there are no big hills to slow down the car . . . they're all foothills, giving you copious amounts of airtime, knowing that if that lapbar wasn't in your lap you'd be sprawled on one of the mini-golf courses below in a bloody heap.

The only coaster where I've feared for my safety is Avalanche, because it gives you the illusion that it's all going to fall apart. It's perfectly safe, but I don't want to know that. Six Flags' coasters all feel like you'll live. It's all fun and games. Avalanche feels like a challenge, a real thrill seeker's delight. You could come out broken.

Whenever I travel between Milwaukee and Minneapolis, I always weigh whether or not I should stop and take an $8 ride on Avalanche. I usually buy McDonald's across the street while looking at the ride. With french fries in my mouth, I usually start to smile up at the rollercoaster on top of the Wisconsin Dells dam. I usually say "Fuck it. I'm doin' it."

One time my ex girlfriend, excited about my impending arrival in Minneapolis from Milwaukee, called me while I was on the coaster. I, of course, didn't pick up. The phone was in the car. But I called her back.

She said, "Where are you?"

"The Dells."

"You were there a half hour ago."

I stopped. "Oh . . . um . . ."

"You rode the rollercoaster, didn't you?"

"Yeah."

She said, "Dammit, Peter! I had plans for us!"

"Oh, I'm sorry."

She said, "No you're not. You love that coaster."

I couldn't argue with her. She was right.

I'd take that coaster over a romp in the hay anyday.



Iggy Pop and the Stooges -- "1969"