Tricky Tiki

The exploitation of the Tiki culture has taken its toll. The gods are angry, and directing their revenge on me, for some reason.

Last night I went to a local bar near my house, Psycho Suzi's, with Taylor and Marta. It's a Tiki themed establishment, the decor is straw huts, torches, and Tiki statues. The drinks come in extremely ambitious mugs (coconuts, pineapples, certain Tiki statues). That's pretty much the extent of the theming for this place.

I ordered a Blue Moon and some tater tots. I was tired due to eating poorly throughout the entire work week. I find that when I'm tired I hallucinate a little. It usually comes in the form of sound. Falling asleep in my college classes, I would hear bells ringing from the next building over. I hear car alarms. I hear windows crashing. Cars screeching to a halt. Loud, high register sounds. Last night, something else permeated the hallucinatory sounds I've grown accustomed to.

It was coming from the kitchen. It was a real noise, a shaking of metal and plastic. I turned in the direction it was coming from, and the view was obstructed by Taylor's head. The sound had stopped by the time I moved my head to see past his hair, and I saw a lone, angry, three foot Tiki statue.

I immediately thought of the Rainforest Cafe chain, what with all of their animatronics. Gorillas will randomly beat their chests, elephants sound their toots, monkeys scream. I thought that the statue was on a random timer and had shaken its mouth frantically behind Taylor.

I remarked "Whoa! The statue just moved!"

Taylor said, "Hmm? No it didn't."

I said, "Yes it did! I heard something shaking. What just happened?"

Taylor: "That came from the kitchen, man."

I saw the kitchen behind the Tiki statue. I looked back at the Tiki statue, and it stood there mocking me. I was in a party of seven, four of the people I didn't know. People were looking at me funny. I turned back to my tater tots, examining them for bits of LSD fragments.

Jesus.

Then I started to have a fit of hiccups. Normally I wouldn't have thought much about this, but I haven't had the hiccups since fucking grade school! I've always been able to squelch hiccups once the first one explodes out of me. I couldn't squelch them last night. I didn't know what to do.

I only looked at the Tiki statue again. It looked at me more mockingly than before.

I remarked to Taylor, "Dude, this is weird. I have the hiccups right now, and I haven't had them since like sixth grade!"

Taylor said nonchalantly, "That's strange, man. Sixth grade? Hmmm . . . can I have a tater tot?"

I didn't notice him stealing my food. Something was afoot.

I grew silent. Watching everyone talking and laughing with pizza stuffed glee. I, on the other hand, kept looking at that stupid statue. It seemed to grow bigger with each sound permeating from the kitchen. I could have sworn that I heard a sound not unlike the growling of Kevin's demon furnace in "Home Alone" echoing in my skull, when Taylor broke me out of it and said "Should we get the check?"

I took one last look at the statue, turned back to the table, got the check all figured out, left the bar. I went straight to bed.

I didn't want any more reality blurrage for the rest of the night.

Aphex Twin -- "Come to Daddy"