PRESENT: PETER KEAN (KENYON) (PRESENTEE)
JARVIS CONCORD (JUDGE PRESIDING)
MARY WOLWORTH (JUDGE PRESIDING)
HARRY Y. OTTOMAN (JUDGE PRESIDING)
JACOB UNVIOLGH (TRANSCRIPTOR)
TOPIC: FIRST INITIAL BRIEFINGS ON 1/6/09 TERRORIST ACT "ANNOY-A-TRON"
12:08:32PM
CONCORD: Right. I hope everyone is well. Mary, hello. Harry.
OTTOMAN: Mr. Concord.
WOLWORTH: Mr. Concord.
CONCORD: Has there been any success with the Bubble Gum Trap Prevention Act? Harry, I know you were the most adament about formulating that together for a shot on the Congressional floor.
OTTOMAN: Yes, Mr. Concord. My team and I have drawn up a preliminary bullet point list. This is, of course, still in its formative stage, an outline. I expect a full prose report by the end of the week.
CONCORD: Can't wait to see it. I'd like to see Pelosi on her soapbox for this issue within the month.
WOLWORTH: I can't agree more.
CONCORD: Okay. Moving on, I see that Mr. Kean has decided to join us today regarding a certain toy called the "Annoy-A-Tron". I haven't heard about this kind of weapon, Mr. Kean. Speaking with Mary and Harry here beforehand, we've not heard about this. Is it a pressing issue? It obviously warrants your personal appearance with us. We'd like to hear about this.
KEAN: Yes. Well, as you know, I've dealt with the authorities on this already. They were pretty shocked once I told them. I contacted Alfred Thompson with the Antiprank Board and he told me to get in touch with your committee. They said that it was a pretty important issue not to push past Congress. They'd like to see this thing put to rest once and for all.
WOLWORTH: Could you describe this device, Mr. Kean?
KEAN: Yes. It's about the size of a remote for car keys. About the length of my thumb, about an inch in width. It looks like a small computer switchboard. It's only purpose is to emit a loud, ear-piercing, shrillish beep. Set on a minute-by-minute timer, it sounds it's weaponry every five to three to ten minutes, depending on its built-in random number generator deciding on time increments. Hidden in a proper hiding spot, it causes a supposed victim to slowly go mad, thinking that one of its beeps is their defective computer, a broken circuit in a wall, a faulty amplifier. There have been hundreds of people on record who have admitted to their insanity being caused by the Annoy-A-Tron.
CONCORD: Have you been checked by a medical physician for any probable insanity symptoms?
KEAN: Yes. I was diagnosed with a minor form of insanity. I had ripped apart my room looking for this device, my hair was in shambles, and I was cursing up and down, screaming "Where is it?! What the hell is that sound?! Where is it coming from?!" Fortunately, I recovered in a few hours, although I hardly had enough money to pay the medical bills due to this incident.
OTTOMAN: And you know of people who have actually stayed insane because of this small device?
KEAN: Yes sir, like I said, hundreds of people are on record as being clinically insane due to that toy.
(SLIGHT MURMER BY THE JUDGING PANEL)
CONCORD: Mr. Kean, how long were you subjected to this torture?
KEAN: The first day it was for a full 24 hours. The second day lasted a good five hours. It could have been more had I not found it magnetically attached to my metal DVD holder.
WOLWORTH: What did you do after you found it?
KEAN: Well, I was temporarily insane, and I began to ask my household questions. "What is this? Whose is this? Who put this in my room?"
OTTOMAN: Do you know who planted the device, Mr. Kean?
KEAN: Yes. His name is Louis McCoy.
(JUDGING PANEL GASPS)
WOLWORTH: Louie McCoy? The secretary and one of the main minds behind the DFL in SD-59 of Minnesota?
KEAN: Yes ma'am, that's the man.
OTTOMAN: Are you sure it was him? How do you know?
KEAN: I called him in a fit of rage. He laughed diabolically and confessed. He said 'It is yours to use now, Peter'.
CONCORD: Did you use it on anyone?
KEAN: Me? Well . . . I may have placed it in his room behind a picture frame. Like I said, I wasn't myself at the time. I overreacted.
CONCORD: No no, you didn't overreact. That was a normal response, given the situation. Does Louie now repossess the Annoy-A-Tron?
KEAN: Unfortunately yes.
WOLWORTH: Do you think he has planted it in anyone else's personal space? Say another roommate?
KEAN: I don't know. All I know is that he has it again. I contacted the authorities an hour later.
OTTOMAN: You do know that you have basically breached Article 3.2 of the Retaliation Clause. You've opened up a full scale war with this fellow by re-planting the toy in his own room.
KEAN: I understand that sir. And having reviewed my actions, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to silence his prankish hands once and for all.
WOLWORTH: Jarvis, if I may ask, could you recap with us Section B-12 of the Prank War Clause? I think we should all have a fresh mind on the subject before we discuss the future of our actions pushing the bill against Louie McCoy and granting full immunity for Peter Kean here.
CONCORD: Gladly, Mary. B-12 states that the preliminary victim of a prank higher than a Class 5 Crisis Ceiling can retaliate with full immunity up to a Class 9 Crisis level. Class 1 is private humiliation dealing with oral joking with no other parties in attendance. Class 5 is relative insanity caused by inanimate objects. Class 9 deals with the Cluster Fuck, having the victim completely confused and out of sorts, almost showing signs of amnesia, due to the prank. I think Mr. Kean has suffered a Class 5 Prank and, if he chooses to do so, can retaliate with a Cluster Fuck prank.
WOLWORTH: I agree. Peter, would you consider retaliating against Louie? It's a major decision.
KEAN: Ms. Wolworth, I will do anything it takes to get back at that scum for what he put me through, and what he could potentially put others through.
OTTOMAN: Now, Peter, this isn't something to take lightly, not that you are, but I'm required by law to say that. You'll be going to war with him. Full out war.
KEAN: I understand that, Mr. Ottoman.
CONCORD: Okay. If I were in your situation, I would do the same. Okay, everyone? Mary, I'd like for you to draw up the bill on the Annoy-A-Tron. I think due to the severity of this prank, we should maybe cancel all other cases, including Mr. Ottoman's Bubble Gum Act, for the time being. I'd like to see this on the floor for voting by the end of next week. Is that possible?
WOLWORTH: If it needs to be done it will be done.
CONCORD: Good. Mr. Kean, I need a full disclosure of your intended actions regarding your retaliation a full 24 hours before you plan your defense. This will be for the subcommittee's eyes only. This will in no way see the light of day. The only after effect is that you will be granted immunity by Congress if the bill passes. If not, you never came to us, we never spoke. Is that understood?
KEAN: Yes, Mr. Concord. Can I ask: why wouldn't you punish me if the bill didn't pass against the Annoy-A-Tron and Louie?
CONCORD: Because scum like him shouldn't deserve to live on this good green Earth. He has chosen to defile the balance of human brotherhood, and I feel that your actions will bring back that balance. I believe he was a good man once, and that you can bring that good man back. We'll be in touch, Mr. Kean. God bless you and your mission. This meeting's adjourned.
KEAN: Thank you.
SUBMITTED FOR EVIDENCE -- EXHIBIT A -- ANNOY-A-TRON:
Pantera -- "War Nerve"
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