St. Peter vs. St. Peter

The judge, St. Peter, presiding above. Glaring down on my soul.

He speaks to me everyday. At the most inopportune times.

He is my conscience. The one I aspire to be. Not St. Peter of Christian lore, but Streetsmarts Petey.

No amount of "shit visions" can take away the amount of awkwardness I feel in places where I feel out of place and feel hundreds of eyes fixated on my differences. That's St. Peter's contribution to my brain, fighting with the other St. Peter, Stubborn Peter.

I went to The Loop club on Washington Avenue last night. I'm wearing girl pants, tight sweaters, my hair is long and covering one eye. I don't look like the corporate rubber stamper (as Louie likes to call the type), the man wearing jeans bought at Abercrombie, American Eagle, Urban Outfitters. I don't know my drinks, how to flirt, how to look a girl in the eye and throw pheromones into their senses.

I turn out as a cute little puppy. Girls flock to me to touch my hair, to ask my age, to say "You're cute." I guess I can't complain, but they're saying these things not so much as lustful desire, but with sheer amusement. "Awwww, look at him." It could be worse.

I'm a little dancing organ grinder monkey who likes Michael Jackson songs. I'll hold my own, and I'm okay with that sort of attention. I'm certainly not looking for one night stands, pelvic thrusting strangers. If they happen to happen, then I let it happen.

My gripe isn't with anyone else. It's my self-consciousness. I'm different. Not in that "We're all different" kind of way. No. I'm D-I-F-F-E-R-E-N-T. You could pick me out of the entire crowd at The Loop, and I'm not exaggerating. That's a reputable thing to say, I suppose, especially when my difference can be seen in a positive light.

But when you just want to blend in for a night, places like The Loop are hard to handle. Again, it turned out okay, I met some new people who I'd like to meet up with in the future, but I was getting a little sick of the comments strangers were giving me pertaining to the "cuteness". I felt left out while being let into the loop.

Will I go back? Hell yes! But I'm faced with getting rid of the self-conscious Stubborn Peter this year. He has not gone away. Put that down in the goal book for 2009.

Stubborn Peter must die.

50 Cent -- "In Da Club"