Field of Dreams

Yesterday, Marta, Kristen, and I had a talk about how to find self-confidence in one's self. This is a broad topic, even a cliched topic, but I'm thinking back on how I found self-confidence in myself. What's my secret?

Throughout my years I've been terribly awkward. I've developed a slight studder while in public settings, my mind goes haywire whenever I'm by myself in a restaurant or bar (or god forbid on a dance floor!). Whenever I feel scared or downright less than everyone around me I travel to a happy place not unlike Happy Gilmore's . . .

I've developed a recurring thought process for whenever I'm a little frightened. I don't know when I developed it, but I think I created it while I was fighting some personal demons with my ex-girlfriend. I had thought up a world in which everything that COULD happen WOULD happen. If I thought she was going to cheat on me, she probably would in reality. If I asked about past flames and what they had done sexually, I thought that in some way she had cheated on me. It was a terrible complex for both me and her, and I had to get out of it, kill it, drown it.

Moving into another related, but slightly disgusting and personal limelight, I also have a problem with going to the bathroom in public places. Not so much urination, but more on the feces side of things. If I'm thrust into a situation where I absolutely MUST go the bathroom in a public restroom, I have to go through the same self-confidence thought process as I do for most of my scary moments. In fact, I developed my self-confidence inner monologue while on the toilet . . .

I'm in a corn field. Very similar to the one in "Forrest Gump" when Jenny and Forest are trying to "Fly far, far far away" as birds from Jenny's abusive father. Only it's dusk. The corn field is most likely derived from the act of pushing crap out of the cornhole. I know, it's gross, but shut up, it works. I'm being interviewed by Katie Couric in director's chairs in a small clearing in the field. The view pans up and above as if on a crane (much like the "Forrest Gump" crane shot), and I'm better. The vision stops there.

I know the interpretation. The things that happen in the short but sweet vision are not abstract dream symbols. Every component has a coherent meaning for me and my life.

The corn: I'm in the middle of a pile of life's shit. But I can make something out of it. Farm it into corn.
The setting sun: It's peaceful, even in the midst of this corn transformation.
Katie Couric: My goal is to become a figure in the public eye. All of the shit I'm dealt with has culminated into this product of accomplishment.
The aspect of a field of shit: it's hilarious, and I'm not so scared after smiling at the thought of being in a field of poo whilst being interviewed by a journalist.

It's a ridiculous daydream, but it actually caused me to lose all of my insecurities with my ex. The following year was one of the best I can remember. No worries, we just took things as they came. Whenever I get stage fright, I go back to the corn field. When a boss tests me, making me feel small and insignificant, the corn field comes up and I'm better again, even with their hurtful teachings bouncing in my head. It doesn't work all the time, and I have not even come close to fleshing out all of the demons I've hoped to beat, smother, and plunder, but it has made my life a hell of a lot easier.

Same shit, different day? That's fine, because I'm learning how to laugh at all of it. Day in, day out.

Patch -- "When Cold Was Warmth"