Alpha Recon Delta Beta Theta Peta Iota

TRANSMISSION 2/1/09 -- SUMMARY OF ALPHA RECON UPRAISED LANDMASS RUN "A" 1/31/09

REPORT BY COMMANDER KEAN

On January 31, 2009, a team of rookie soldiers led by myself embarked on a reconnaissance mission. We were observing upraised landmasses covered in crystal powder for the purpose of a future invasion upon unsuspecting children and families by my entire squadron of great American soldiers. We sought out five compounds, two of which were deemed "steep" and three "official".

We first travelled to the steep compounds, Hillcrest and McMurray Fields. Being our first stops, we were overjoyed at the prospect of using our Army approved sliding devices after being idle for so long in some dank basement. Lt. Haftek and I started the onslaught, followed by Lt. Neary and Lt. Doering close behind. Our conclusion: steep hills may sound promising, but they pale in comparison to most hills. They are quick, dangerous, and amateur. Jumps were constructed to spruce up the thrills, but they were cheap, masking the "weakness" of said hills. As a team, we have deduced that Hillcrest and McMurray are unworthy of our further attention.

However, the three "official" hills were a pleasant surprise. We ventured to Chelsea Hill in the middle of the Como Park Territory, a snowboarding/sledding hill complete with a tow rope for the snowboarding squadrons. However, a manmade pond alongside the left hand flank provided some shock when one of the younger members of the corp fell into the forbidden ice zone, causing slight terror on our parts, thinking the child had fallen beneath the ice. Thankfully, this was not the case.

Chelsea Hill offered a quick ride, small, rolling mounds, and a nice, smooth experience. The only drawback was that the sledding trejectories intersected with the snowboarders', making for an impromptu stop upon each run by feet braking. Minor, but worth mentioning.

Another hill on our list was the City Pages pick for Best Sledding Hill 2008: Wirth Park Golf Course's 10th fairway. This hill is sponsored by many companies, and holds a triathlon on occasion. It is long, smooth, and fast, but it doesn't hold any surprises. The hill is worth it, but the walk up for repeat slidedowns is tedious. We recommend snow tubes for this hill, not long, plastic instruments of awkwardness. They will most likely spin out of control, making for slight frustration as to the fact that you just walked five minutes up the slope only to fail upon descent. We approved this hill for the future invasion.

The hill that caught our attention the most was Columbia Heights Golf Course's 12th fairway. This hill boasts everything that we had come to admire in the hills we had ridden all day. It is long, it is steep, and above all, it is fast. The hill starts on a slight decline, pushing 40 degrees, but quickly turns into a 60 degree plummet of imminent death once you hit the 1/3 mark. Any sled will do on this hill. The walk up is slightly difficult, but not quite the tediousness of Wirth Park's walk. This is our top pick for a sledding hill in the Twin Cities urban area.

I'd like to commend my fellow soldiers on their amazing reconnaissance skills. They are true Americans.

Upraised Landmass Run "B" is pending, but will occur. This mission will be the invasion, there is no word from Central yet on its intended undertaking. But we will get the message out once it is set in stone.

END REPORT

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