"Handle with Care: an Interview with Duane Killfer" by Issac Yong.
Meet Duane. Upon first glance, most passersby step into a detour to avoid any chance of an encounter with the handlebar mustache clad afro artist. Upon second glance, Duane is usually digging out the inside of the throats of said passersby with his desiac tongue. "It's just my way, better than saying hello, I think," he says, sitting in a plush chair in a hotel room above Minneapolis.
IB: How is it that you can frighten people upon first glance but then have a complete reversal in reaction to you? I mean, you've never met these people before. Yet you'll basically make out with them on the spot, five seconds after first seeing you.
DK: You know, I wonder about that myself.
IB: Care to elaborate?
DK: No.
IB: Is it a secret? Something that if all the men of the world knew you maybe wouldn't have it in with the ladies as much as you do right now? Stealing your thunder?
DK: My thunder's never stolen. It's embraced.
IB: How so?
DK: What have we been talking about?
IB: How you make out with women within five seconds of meeting them.
DK: Exactly.
IB: What does that have to do with thunder?
DK: You got any other questions to ask me?
IB: Are you going to answer them?
DK: Does a child fornicate in the woods?
IB: Uh . . . no?
DK: Yes.
IB: Huh?
DK: Spit it out, man.
IB: Jesus. Duane, how is that you're so famous? What do you do?
DK: What I do is life, man. I live it. It embraces me like one embraces thunder.
IB: Have you actually done a movie, been in photos --
DK: That's the past, duder. That's not the now.
IB: Oh . . . so you were in movies.
DK: No. I don't watch movies.
IB: No, were you IN them?
DK: . . . I don't watch movies.
IB: So, I gather no. You're more just a living legend around here. I mean everyone's heard of you.
DK: Wait till they meet me.
IB: I don't understand the attraction, Duane. I mean, you're irritated, you're rude, you're not great looking --
DK: Who the fuck are you, man? Are you me? Are you me?
IB: No, thank God.
DK: Then how do you know I'm not attractive? I rest my case.
IB: Okay. You know, you might be the first guy I've actually wanted to end an interview with early.
DK: That's how I roll, man.
IB: Ending interviews early?
DK: No, you said I was the first guy you actually wanted.
IB: . . . To end an interview with early. Duane, do you have selected hearing?
DK: What? I'm just kidding.
IB: Alright, we're done!
DK: Where you going?
Upon third glance, Duane is an asshole.
--IY
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