Master Splinter

Around 3:30 this afternoon I was sitting with the kids outside, basking in the awesome 60 degree weather, at the picnic table. I had my right hand on the table, and I moved it ever so slightly (forgot why) and a woodchippy stick thing went perfectly up between my middle finger's nail and skin directly underneath.

I screamed bloody murder. The kids started laughing. I tend to scream a lot, I guess, in fun. I looked at my hand: a fucking stick was lodged underneath my entire fucking nail!! I couldn't get it out without tweezers, and having children come first always you can't just drop whatever you're doing and take some personal time for yourself. I ran into the school, my finger throbbing like no other. I looked for tweezers, found them on the first floor.

I tried digging it out but it was too far in. I had to find nail clippers. I found them in the toddler room with emergency cards, almost crying in pain around little one year olds. I cut my nail past the normal cutting mark. I was seriously ripping off my nail and clipping it down enough to reach the stick.

I then started digging again with the tweezers. The tweezers were too big and dull. No sharp point. GAH!!!

I then gave the tweezers back to its owner. She said "Let me get it out."

I gave in after a little protest, and she started actually breaking more skin, spitting blood out of the tip. I think she actually pushed it in more, deeper under the nail.

I went upstairs, knowing my new director was a first aid trainer. She looked, winced, said "Can you clean Children's House 3?" I yelped "Yes."

I cleaned for a half hour in slight agony. My finger kept bumping into the brooms and vaccuums. I showed the finger to the director again and she said "Let me get it out."

I grabbed the tweezers again. She looked and said "This is gonna hurt." I had to prepare. She went down to the finger, and juuuuuust as the pain was about to thrust into my nervous system, she stopped and said "It's too big. These tweezers won't do it. I'll go home and get my own."

I waited for another half hour with kids wanting to see the damage, accidently bumping into it. The director came with pointy tweezers in hand. I said "Let me do it first."

It was almost like taking a broken bone out of my finger. I lodged the tweezers deep into the tip of my finger and pulled hard. It moved only a little with each pull, that's how deep it was lodged in there. After four good pulls it was out, spitting blood out in a bubble. The kids cheered. I wiped away little tears of pain that had gathered in the corners of my eyes.

That was by far the worst fucking splinter I've ever had in my life. Not the biggest deal . . . but it fucking hurt!!!

Pearl Jam -- "Blood"