The Coma Child Incident

I'm a fucking jerk when it comes to kids. More precisely, I terrorize them if they don't do what they're supposed to do.

One of my ongoing "-isms" at the school is to threaten to call a doctor if the kids are crying due to minor scrapes, blisters, little bumps to the noggin'. I usually keep a cell phone in my pocket while at work to check the time periodically, take a few snapshots of something cute, etc.

Today, I actually called the doctor on a kid.

2:30 is wake-up time. I turn on classic rock radio, turn it up (today we rocked out to Led Zeppelin's "What Is and What Should Never Be". One child, no taller than my knee, was playing drums while I air guitared), and put the cots away before reading a story and giving the kids a snack. One kid wouldn't wake up when he was supposed to today. He was breathing. He's just stubborn as all hell, as bad as a teenager.

I shook him with all the kids watching. "WAKE UP!!!" No avail. I threatened: "OH NO, HE'S IN A COMA!! HE'S NOT WAKING UP!! CALL THE DOCTOR!!!"

I took out my phone . . . and thought. What if I called Shannon . . .

I turned on the speaker. I called Shannon. She answered timidly, sitting in a cubicle, no doubt, at her job.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the doctor? *Quieter* ShannonthisisPeteryou'readoctorplayalongdowhatisay."

Shannon: "Dude, I'm at work."

Me: "*Quieter* It'sokayjustplayalong. *Louder* Oh, this is the doctor! What's your name?"

Shannon: "Sam."

Me: "Who?"

Shannon: "Sam. Dr. Sam."

Me: "Oh, Sam. How are you? Yes, I have a patient, his name is -----. Is his name in your registry?"

Shannon: "Yes, yes it is. He's on record."

Me: "Good! Good! Well, I'm checking to see if he has a history of sleeping too long. As in falling into comas. I think he might be in one."

Shannon: "Hmmm . . . I might need to see him."

Me: "You will? Oh man. Alright, well, should we give him a shot of something. Adrenaline, maybe? We've got that lying around."

Shannon: "Yeah, I'd give him the shot. I'll be there in thirty minutes."

(The kid's eyes burst open)

Me: "Oh! Wait, he just woke up. I think he's okay!"

Shannon: "I'd give him the shot anyway."

(The kid jumped out of bed shouting "NOOOOOO!!!")

Me: "Alright, thank you Doctor."

Shannon: "No problem. I'll see you soon."


After this exchange, all the kids shouted "Can you call the doctor on me, too, Peter?!" The coma child was embarrassed and started fake punching me.

Thank you Shannon for playing along. You just scored a jackpot amount of points in my AWESOME book.

Led Zeppelin -- "What Is and What Should Never Be"