Recesses and Secrets

KARMATH:

An existence combining logical mathematical equations (what we deem as fact in the West) to otherwise spiritual phenomenon (what the East deems as fact). Together, they form the very core belief system of my life.

What goes up must come down . . . unless proven otherwise.

I've been privy to some strange events. Miracles, I guess you could call them. True Jesus shit. There are cases where the dead have risen, juice has risen in a glass right before the eyes of the beholder, and a man was once told to go home by his spiritual teacher in order to find out that his wife was cheating on him (this eventually led to my birth).

All the "miracles" I know about can be explained with science. The most sure concepts of the world are math and the unknown. They are proven. There is nothing more finite than numbers. They are what they are. You can't refute them. On the opposite side of the spectrum, the Unknown is sure, given that most of the universe (our own lives) is foreign to us. We don't have a clue, yet we try to explain it all. That's the beauty of being human.

Yet in the midst of it all, we become hindered by emotions. Obstacles. We lose focus. We give up. We have the ability to rest for too long, to take pains at having pleasure 100% of the time, to become enraptured with belief systems only because we, as animals, tend to be social beings. I feel Jonestown was just another flock of birds flying north instead of south for the winter.

We lose sight of the big picture. We don't have to, but we choose to.

I've been guilty of having possession take hold over me in relationships, of being altruistic to a fault, of being lazy, of letting friends go . . . for me, I try to fix whatever I did wrong rather than walk off without a care in the world. At the same time, being too analytical is a hindrance. This is why "fixers" flock to teachers for guidance.

It all takes place in Karmath for me.

KARMATH is a series of musical projects dealing with close friends and my relationship to them. After seeing their struggles with "fixing" their lives, I can guage a pretty good story in order to express what I feel they went through.

Here's a spoiler: the "SCHEMATICS"/"KARMATH" song "LCD" is originally based off my interactions with one of the Brotherhood. He has a tendency to disappear for days on end, not telling anyone where he goes. He's a nomad. I never knew if he did it because he was sad or just busy, and this always concerned me whenever he disappeared. I always knew the remedies to what made him sad, I just wanted to tell him. But I couldn't. You can't give people advice unless they're asking for it. He never asked for it. So none of us would give advice. It goes the same for anybody else. This just happens to be a common practice, hence, a law of Karmath.

I made up a story based off of this line of thinking, about a close friend who is on the brink of suicide. I think I know how to help them, yet when I try to talk to him, we merely talk music, pop culture. We don't get down to the bottom of it, and I feel weak and powerless to the whims of Karmath. "Another way to have him slip by". When his friends and I try to have an intervention, it goes through the same motions. As we're talking about the music and comedy, the man sneaks out, never to be seen again. We couldn't do anything to stop him.

But can we break the laws of Karmath ever? Could we stop the man in his tracks and say "Here's exactly what's wrong with you." No. That might put him over the edge more. I haven't written past this checkpoint, but these questions will be asked.

The real person has never wanted to commit suicide, it's based off of him and me talking about music and movies once we were done talking about a pressing concern. It helped heal us without fixing it entirely. Things persisted, but we were friends again. I imagine this happening with most close friends of the world, especially close friends who try to "fix" their lives.

I'm planning on doing another project based off of a friend who found himself jailed, at the bottom of the barrel for so long, and who has become one of the nicest individuals I've ever met. You look at this guy and you look at all the depressed emo imbeciles abound in our world and you go "What the fuck do all these other people have on this guy?! Shut up!" This guy lived what you want to live, and not by choice.

Another project is based on me dealing with my possessive hindrances that, thankfully, I've kept in check for a couple years. They have since risen to the surface, following a strange event that meant nothing really to the others involved but tainted me forever. You ever see your loved one fucked by another at your consent, merely because you thought it would be fun to have no boundaries? In so many words, be prepared to find out more about yourself than you ever imagined. And inside, it's not the pretty stuff that comes bubbling to the surface. If you want to maintain that relationship even after battling demons in your head, you'll go crazy. That is, if you're like me. But you're not, so, you don't care as much. The others didn't. It's a tough place to be in. I'm still in that place.

What does all this mean? Why am I writing this? It has nothing to do with today's events. I worked and recorded (I battled a squirrel, but that turned out to be not that exciting). In a lapse of novelty, I guess I'm resorting to what's to come. Next weekend I'm having a writing session for the project dealing with me. I'm kind of scared, to tell the truth, to be by myself in a motel (most likely) delving into the darkest recesses of my head. A place that's been on for the past two months, filled with creatures I never thought could be bred within. At the same time, I'm excited to come out with extremely visceral music and art. It will no doubt be some of the most violent work I've ever done. The studio will be made in two weeks, ready for the live band, who will be taking on this violent work. Three members, four, five . . . I'm not sure yet. Three is the bare minimum, at least.

We'll see. Stay tuned.

The Smashing Pumpkins -- "Where Boys Fear to Tread"