Asexually Autonomous

After a certain amount of time of not being involved with any sort of person, I tend to forget that there's a part of me looking for love, lust, a romantic companion. There are definite people sparking my eye, making me stop and say "Ooh! Maybe . . ." but I tend to not embark on asking to make something of those sparks.

The reason for this is due to music. When I become so busy, I forget I have a life. Currently, I'm trying to work out a persuasion speech to a drummer who's asking for money upfront (hourly rates, rehearsal fees, Jesus Christ!), making calls back and forth for art design and website development, writing new material for the live band, finishing up mixing and arguing over mixing styles (two producers coming together to create from their own respective styles will lend itself to some battles), getting the rehearsal space readied, etc. It's getting to be insane!

That being said, I feel this past weekend has changed me. Most people mention that an experience like the one I went through will tend to do that. Cutting to the chase, I tried LSD for the first time. I don't plan on doing it too, too much in my lifetime (one reason being that I'm still a little slow and loopy even after four days). Since I got back from Madison, I felt as if I transcended into a new realm, a new place. I've been doing Patch work nonstop, with no desire to quit. I love critical thinking, creative projects, calling up friends/business partners and negotiating guidelines and the future, etc. I felt like the time has come, finally.

There's a person at my work who, in my mind, is the definition of "put together". This isn't in any way a derogatory term based off of the way she looks ("Would ya look at dat broad, dat ass is PUT TOGETHA!"). She doesn't seem to have any faults. They're there, underneath the surface. And when she shows emotion, it's small and not too disclosing. So, you assume she's human, but when she does her daily routine at work, she's a universal soldier. She can do anything. She has her emotions in check, her looks, her style, her clothes, her job, her life, everything is okay.

These people are the Asexually Autonomous.

I've only met a few. I find this interesting. People who I assume are with somebody tend to be looking for help in my eyes. There's something inside saying "I'm not put together, help me!" I also think this pertains to my "White Knight" complex. My brain becomes more enamored with people who seem to need guidance than with people who don't. It gets me in trouble, though.

All my life I've been with people looking for help. These people aren't in dire need, they're not depressed, they're not weak in any way. They were simply "looking for more".

I'd like to try my hand with someone who's Asexually Autonomous. Will the relationship be dry and boring? Because they're not looking, will a spark even fly? Or do they have it in with trust, because they've figured themselves out so well, you never have to worry about slip ups.

I've figured myself out, I think. I've got my problems here and there, but I feel like I'm more in the Asexually Autonomous camp more than I realize, due to all the work I do, the double life I lead. That's probably why I don't find more relationships. Maybe not. Who knows? Maybe I'm just an asshole.

But it's something to think about.

Fever Ray -- "I'm Not Done"