Yo'plaited

I hereby petition to recall Yoplait's Go-Gurt. Every time I get near one of these fucking things I get yogurt spilled all over me.

I can imagine a group of people in the Yoplait marketing department trying to come up with the next Yogurt related product. Something for kids, they think.

One person snaps their fingers: "I've got it!! Yogurt in a tube!!"

Another lady named Doris says: "Bill, that's disgusting."

"Have you tasted our Light products, Doris?"

Doris doesn't reply.

Bill says, "Exactly. Why not, right? Kids open it, squish it out, boom, yogurt in the stomach and it's fun to boot!"

Another schmuck named Todd pipes up: "What's fun about a tube of yogurt, Bill? Is it shaped like a hose, a cool shape, is there a button to shoot it out?"

Bill looks on like Todd's crazy. "Todd, seriously, you're such a lame duck. I don't hear you coming up with anything. No, it's simple. It's just a tube of yogurt!"

Todd: "Again, what's fun about a tube of yogurt? Sounds about as much fun as throwing a stick around a yard."

Bill nods: "It totally is." He is completely serious, by the way. And the rest of the group catches on, except Todd.

Todd: "But it's not practical. Are you planning on having a safeguard to keep the yogurt in, like a juicebox?"

Bill: "No, they just rip it open, it's about as big as a quarter, they put it in their mouth and squish. It's not a hard concept, Todd!"

Todd: "But kids are messy. It's going to get all over the place!"

Bill: "So? Messes are fun, that's what I'm trying to tell you!!!"

That's the last day Todd works at Yoplait. He jumps out of a window on the thirty fourth floor of the headquarters two minutes after excusing himself to go to the bathroom.

It's fucking yogurt in a wrapper. A tube of yogurt. Kids can't rip it open, so they use scissors. They cut too far into the tube and yogurt explodes everywhere. Kids drop the tubes onto tables, SPLURT! yogurt everywhere. Plus, the scissors are disgustingly sticky and brown after a day of Go-Gurt cutting.

Fuck you Yoplait for your wonderful product. You've at least helped Bounty sell more paper towels to victimized parents and child care centers. That'll boost the economy!

Quarashi -- "Stick 'Em Up"