A Teacher's Love

When the day finally comes when I quit my job at Miniapple, I'll feel wholly satisfied that all of the basic activities and experiences I wanted to share with the children have been met. Today, the last of my true wants was realized:

The older kids, while at the public library, checked out, for their classroom, "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark". Upon finding this treasure while rooting through the book pile in search of "new fish" to read to the children at Day Care circle time I remembered that it happened to be a certain child's last day at the school. He is about to go into elementary school. This kid has pestered me every day since I first retold orally the "Scary Stories" stories from memory sans book two years ago to tell the same stories to him again and again. He never let up.

I had the book in my hands today, and I thought it would be the perfect way to say goodbye to him.

So, with a picture book for the wee lil' ones tucked under one arm, and with Alvin Schwartz's shit-your-pants-from-fright collection of debauchery tucked under the other, I went down to the group. I announced my finds, first the standard safe picture book. Second, my jackpot.

I'll never forget the eyes of that child. They went as wide as a barn owl's.

After I trudged my way through the first book I announced, "As a present to -----, I'll take a small group of some of you into the library to read this story." A small group of five came with me.

Now remember: the leaving child had heard these stories countless amounts of times. He even has the audio book version (which might still be one of the most terrifying pieces of audio from my childhood).

After reading "The Big Toe" the kid said "Peter, I think I wanna go back into the climber now. It's too scary."

I was shocked. "What?! You've heard these millions of times, man!"

He said, "Yeah . . . I-I know, but . . ."

I persisted. "No, no, no. Not until you see this page."

The most terrifying picture of my childhood came from a story called "The Haunted House". I avoided this picture at all costs when I was little. I skipped the story only because of the picture.

No way was he going to get away without seeing that photo:

All the kids said "Ew!"

The leaving child said louder "Peter, I wanna go into the other room!"

"No, no, no. How about the classic 'Bloody Fingers' story."

He was back in my clutches.

The kids were hooked. Their parents came in, present for my reading of "Me Tye Dough-ty Walker!" They loved it. Especially at the climactic scream at the end. The leaving child howled with frightful laughter, hugged me hard, and embarked on his post-pre-school life.

The last thing he did in pre-school was scream in delight. I think it was the best send-off I've ever given a child. I loved that kid.

*Here is one of the stories from that notorious audio book. I've searched high and low over the years for it. A couple of months ago I found it on a torrent site. Best download of my life.*


Saul Williams -- "Skin of a Drum"

Tin Pan O' Malley

As a last minute call, we opted to put one new song into the mix for Friday's show. It also happens to be my favorite Liz Peep song.

Two months ago I hooked Louie's drumset up with a tin pan, a CO2 cartridge, and a kettle drum full of wrenches for "The Russell Trust", just for shits and giggles. Tonight we hooked it up in hopes of playing to the masses this weekend.

Let's see if it works . . .

Stone Roses -- "Love Spreads"

Reflector

I payed $5 to enter into my personal Hall of Mirrors recently.

Traversing through a portal, I came to a vertical pool in front of me. Inside the pool, hundreds of waves permeated throughout the calm surface. Those waves were me, caused by any sort of movement on my part.

Even at rest, the Mirrors promised potential energy. This caused unrest within the portion of my brain lusting for balance. Yet, I did pay $5 after all. I couldn't just turn around and chicken out. I had to enter the pool.

I caught glimpses of the exit, yet I knew that if I embarked too heavily on finding that exit in tangible reality I was bound to faceplant my nose into a mirror panel. The guy who sold me the ticket gave me a bottle of Windex and a wash cloth, saying "I just finished washin' the joint and I'm pretty damn sure you'll make a mess of it once you go in there. So do me a favor, will ya please?"

This particular Hall of Mirrors boasts a surprise element: other figures join you within the maze, making it a quasi-haunted house in mirror form. I never knew if the blond damsel who entered my life only a month and a half before was actually standing right next to me or on the complete opposite side of the facility, a figment of so many "right" angles and sight line chances; the two forms sporting Lizard heads were almost ready to lick my face at any moment; the new inhabitants of my living quarters ready to actually take hold of my hand in first impression salutations.

I'm writing this entry from within the walls now. I still haven't found a way out. Slowly but surely, though. Although it is starting to really wear me down, this tangible/dream reality quandery.

The exit sign reads: PATCH. It's laughing at me.

Mazes -- "A Metric Tower"

One Dollar Baby

Apparently, there's an underground prostitution racket going on at the school.

A parent called the school today relaying a statement a five year old boy had said to her three year old girl earlier that morning.

This peer said to her child: "I'll give you a dollar if you suck my pee-pee."

No word on whether or not she took him up on the offer . . .

Garbage -- "Queer"

Staring at the Rust

I have found myself in a constant state of altruism. Helping others. While this is good, one also needs to take time to help themselves. This may be one of the main instigators to some recent bouts of depression.

In times of transition, such as people moving out, it's hard not to do help. I think come September I'll have more "ME" time. That, and creativity will soar through the birth of Patch Live.



Sigur Ros -- "Hjartað Hamast (Bamm Bamm Bamm)"

On the Prowl

Everyone knows the phenomenon where once you've experienced something, such as seeing a 1989 penny on the ground, you then find yourself finding more pennies manufactured in 1989 than any other year. I just experienced one of these strange recurrences today: yard sale prowlers.

Shannon used our front yard as the locale for her pre-move yard sale. You see mainly middle aged to older peeps showing up to these events. A fair amount of people came.

I was startled to find a number of yard sales going on down the street, with tons of people flocking them. I posted up signs for our own sale and people were calling me down "Yo man, where's your sale at?"

I saw for the first time the craze that is the Rummage Sale Shopping Spree. I realized every car was parked for the sole purpose of taking in one of these outlet mall shopping centers. It was crazy.

I just stood on the corner looking at this for a little while. It was like Jingle All the Way but for used IKEA furniture and knick-knacks.

Red Hot Chili Peppers -- "One Hot Minute"

Rats and Revenge

Yesterday, I was passing a parent in the school. She smiled and said, "Peter, you're like the Pied Piper around here."

I smiled back. "How's that?"

She said, "You know the Pied Piper, don't you?"

I said, "I know the reference. I don't really know what he's all about."

She said, "Check it out."

I nodded. "Okay, I will."

So I checked it out on Wikipedia.

Apparently, the story goes as follows: A man is given the job to rid a town of a rat infestation. He plays his pipe, which lures the rats out of their hiding places, and lures them into the river, where all the rats drowned. For some reason, the people of the town refuse to pay him for the extermination, and the Piper vows to get his revenge.

He does so by playing his pipe for the children in the town, and one hundred and thirty youngin's follow him out of town and to a cave, never to be heard of again. A crippled child comes back and tells the people about the happenings within the cave. Adaptations include the Piper murdering each child, strewing dismembered body parts all over the nearby forest; not doing anything to the children, just holding them ransom, until he gets his money.

Theories point to the Pied Piper being a symbol for Death. Others point to him being a psychopathic pedophile.

After I read this I burst out laughing. I understand that the mom was most likely referring to children following me around based on my games and storytelling.

At the same time, she inadvertently called me a pedophile.

Blitzen Trapper -- "Black River Killer"

The Foreskin Debate

There is naught an organ as perplexing,
Mesmerizing, complexly overwhelming
As the elephant trunk inside a man's britches.
It is feared, it is sought
Revered or not
It leaves its partners needing stitches.

The debate rages: keep the foreskin intact,
Or stripped and extract,
From the confines of its redundant coat.
Left wrinkly or bare
Within your underwear
The scales remain equal in votes.

More dirty, more sick
More proper, more hick
Which side do the parents prefer?
I have seen both sides
And what makes me decide
Is on appearance's sake: do you concur?

For the one is a soldier
A helmet to bolster
A knight from the Mushroom Kingdom prevails.
The other a worm
Spewing forth sperm
From a deflated balloon mouth, it ails.

The trends have it in
That the soldier is sin
To cut up the child is pure hell.
Yet is it not of the scene
To be stripped pure and clean?
The Adult Fungi excels.

A mouth on a tube
Despite all the lube
Shudders at the worm monster sight.
Yet the hopeless romantic
With post-bloodied dick
Gives them the ideal night.

My child, I do wonder.
Should I gorge in plunder
Stealing what's rightfully his?
Or should I say, "His choice."
Let him find his own voice
To leave it the way it is.

The females, I implore
What cock would you score?
The jury is out, I have found.
Some purely shun
The unscathed one
Yet some fear cocks all around.

And yet in my case
Many a smiling face
Hath received my stripped hero within.
For I am proud that my dad
Became one with the fad
To ravage my helpless foreskin.

King Missle -- "Detachable Penis"

A Double D Kind of Day

A glorious day! Nothing makes me feel better than to be done with a song in studio!

The Lizard People -- "Double D-Day"

Behind the Eye

The demon sifts behind my right eye, swollen since Sunday night, it remains blood shot. Yet it's diminishing itself. Trachomania will not take hold . . . this time.

The Dead Weather |MTV Music

The Kills -- "U.R.A. Fever"